I can’t celebrate Anzac Day without conjuring up my old pal, the late Johnny Leopard who would have turned 65 this ANZAC DAY – a birthday he shared with my grandmother.
Johnny and I had many adventures together, of course lots of people know us through our music in Dave Warner’s from the Suburbs but we wrote a lot of comedy together too – films, TV and radio ideas most of which have never been produced, but also live comedy which we performed with various troupes including such luminaries as @damieno’doherty, @davidzampatti and @catejennings.
One of my favourite “live” sketches with Johnny was Elizabethan Radio where I played a radio host, Dudley Dunwoodie, and Lep played a variety of guests including Marie Antoinette, Quasimodo and Marco Polo. Here is a transcript of much of the sketch which we also recorded for radio.
ELIZABETHAN RADIO
Dudley
It’s 12.05 here with Dudley Dunwoodie on Elizabethan Radio and we’re ready to speak with ut first guest, former pro-footballer turned poet Willy Wordsworth. And He’s on the line now. Willy.
Willy
Hi Dudley.
Dudley
Willy has it been hard adjusting to the thought you’ll never pull a pair of footy toggs again?
WiLLY
First Dud I was really down I could think of nothing but football.
DUDLEY
I’m sure most of my listeners will recall the embarrassing incident at the zoo with Perky the Pekinese.
WiLLY
Yeah,the moment I heard those song birds it was like hearing the ref’s whistle, like I was back in the middle.
DudLEY
Oblivious to the screams of Perky’s octogenerian owner you began dribbling through the crowd.
WiLLY
I’m not proud of that. It was instinct. I dodged those schoolkids and with a low-hard drive sent Pekie canonning into the top left hand corner of the cage giving the keeper no chance.
DuDLEY
I bet the lion is still picking the fur out of his teeth.
WILLY
He’s not the only one. I was so ecstatic at the thought I’d scored I jumped into the monkey cage and started kissing the chimpanzees.
DuDLEY
So you’ve got a new poem for us?
WiLLY
Not quite. I got this idea staring at the margarine lid.
He sings the Meadow Lea ad.
WiLLY (CONT’D)
What do you reckon?
DUDLEY
It stinks Willie. But maybe try Daffodil.
WILLY
Okay thanks Dudley.
DuDLEY
Willy Wordsworth there. Now I wonder how many of you were lying in bed this morning, thinking I don’t want to get up and empty the chamber pot, just lying there listening to the town crier go on about the famines in France and Ireland. Give us a call. I’ve got a caller on the line now. Marie?
Marie
Yes Dudley, Marie Antoinette.
DUDLEY
And what do you do Marie?
MarIE
Queen of France.
DUDLEY
And what would you like to talk about?
MariE
Well Dudley like you were saying about the town crier and the famine and everything?
DuDLEY
Yea
MaRIE
I had an idea. You know Dudley you use twice as much grain to make a loaf of bread as you do for a lamington?
DUDLEY
No.
MarIE
Well you do. And anyway the girls and I from the Royal Ladies Auxillary decided we’d have a lamington drive to help feed the starving masses.
DudLEY
So let me get this right, Marie, you’re saying …
MarIE
What I’m saying is: if they can’t have bread, let them eat lamingtons.
DuDLEY
Marie I can’t hear you very well, what’s that thumping noise in the background?
MaRIE
Well the drive is going so well that the girls and I have rigged up this big chopper thing to slice the sponge.
DuDLEY
So where can the starving masses come to get their lamingtons?
MariE
I’ll be in all day at the palace of Ver-sail
DuDLEY
That’s Versize isn’t it?
MarIE
Yes it’s quite large, and you can’t miss it it has big stone lions heads out the front.
DuDLEY
So has the Medici mansion hasn’t it?
MaRIE
Yes but their lions are blue with the Madonna riding side-saddle. Excuse me Dudley. The chopper has got some sponge caught in the winch.
(off mike)
Should be okay now – just give it a big hard tug …
A scream and thump.
DuDLEY
Marie? Marie? She seems to have been cut off. But I have somebody else here … Hello Quasimodo.
Quasimodo
Hello Dudley. Dudley I am depressed.
DuDLEY
Why’s that Quasi? Cause you’re French?
QuaSIMODO
Because I am ugly. I’ve got no personality and my face is twisted. I’ve got a hunch like you wouldn’t believe.
DUDLEY
Have you tried Oil of Ulan?
QuASIMODO
Oui. And now my skin is greasy.
DUDLEY
Have you got a job Quasi?
QUASIMODO
I am a bell-ringer.
DUDLEY
In the tower high above Notre Dame Cathedral?
QUASIMODO
No in the western suburbs. I work for Avon. Dudley I’d like you to play a song for my girl Esmerelda.
DuDLEY
Which one?
QUASIMODO
The Bells Are Ringing For Me and My Girl.
DUDLEY
Consider it done Quas. And now it’s time for the Confucian Horoscope. One of the many exotic things brought to you by our next guest Marco Polo. Here’s the Horoscope.
Girl’s voice
Pisces.
Unintelligible Chinese jabber.
GirL’S VOICE (CONT’D)
Aquarius.
More unintelligible Chinese babble.
GiRL’S VOICE (CONT’D)
Saggitarius.
Very stern unintelligible Chines jabber.
DUDLEY
And as promised here in the studio a big hello to Marco Polo. Marco did I get it right “China.”
Marco
That’s right Dudley.
DUDLEY
As in the plate. Where exactly is China Marco? Perhaps if I hold a map up to the microphone you could show our listeners.
MarCO
It isn’t on the map.
DuDLEY
(smarmy)
How did you find it then?
Marco
I didn’t use the map that’s for sure.
DUDLEY
Tell us about the people who live in China.
MarcO
They are small people who have wise-sayings and long fingernails.
DuDLEY
Tell us one of their wise sayings.
MarcO
You block my view I scratch your eyes out.
DudLEY
Now you’ve got a sackful of goodies there Marco. How about you explain them to our listeners. Those little sticks, what are they, cabers for Scottish babies?
MarcO
No. These are chopsticks. You eat with them.
DudLEY
Obviously they don’t eat much soup.
MarCO
Au contraire Dudley. They have birdsnest, sharkfin and wan-tan soup.
DUDLEY
Wow that’s a heavy soup. What else do these people eat?
Marco
They have eggs they bury and dig up one hundred years later.
DUDLEY
Well it worked for McDonalds. What else?
MarcO
There is a gigantic wall spanning half the country.
DuDLEY
I guess that’s to keep out those Mongol hordes.
Marco
No, they wanted to make Guiness book of Records. And look at this, go on Dudley feel it.
DuDLEY
That’s sensational it’s incredibly smooth and it hangs so well.
MarCO
I’ve had no complaints so far, the women especially love it.
DuDLEY
I’m not surprised, even a fella could get into that. What’s it called?
Marco
Silk.
Dudley
Silk? What’s it made from.
MarcO
These
Produces a matchbox.
DuDLEY
Eeek! Worms. It must be hell skinning them to get all that cloth.
Marco
No Dudley they make it themselves.
DudLEY
They must have tiny sewing machines.
Marco
No, they secrete it from their body.
DudLEY
With you now Marco but I think you’ve backed a loser there. Can’t see people wearing something made from worm’s poo.
Dave, there are just to many great injustices in this world & the passing away of Leopard was another one.
Johnny Leopard – telecaster slinging , anti hero, everyone’s showman & your straight man gone….. it was to soon. I remember seeing a guitar wielding showman on stage & a gentleman off, sharing jokes on tour & book discussions off. You just have to admire his professionalism in the way in which he welcomed ‘new boy’ Durant, all admired Johnny (don’t call me cougar) Leopard & owe him some debt great or small. No longer ‘shooting the balls in Leopards pool bar’ as per your song “new age” but doing what he does well with Duane Eddy et al.
Vale Leopard, Saint Peter opened those gates wide when you arrived, see you there!
Andre Fritze