Dear Cousin,

 The latest from the Pastures is going to leave you absolutely gobsmacked so I warn you right now, spray a bit of Aeroguard around in case your jaw drops open and a squadron of flies targets your open cake-hole as the long awaited Promised Land. 

Meg Nosworthy has been rolled! 

That’s right, don’t change your bionic ear-piece, you heard it right.  The first sheila to be president of the illustrious Pabdar River West bowlo has been sent spinning into the ditch by a ruthless and daring drive delivered by none other than … her predecessor Larry “Lefty” Charles. 

Let me just fill you in on the background because I think you were away on that Wildflower Tour with Aileen when the “seeds were sown.”  Lefty, a natty-dresser who plays the organ for Sunday School and looks like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth had the Pastures in the palm of his hand when he jumped from Division 3 pairs to lead our Triples to victory over the hated Pabdar River East who had been Division champs since Tracey Grimshaw looked like a good sort.  Mind you, there were mutterings of just how Lefty came to be leading the Triples that day.

First off was the tragic accident to our triples leader, Terry Banovic who trod on an upturned spike sprinkler on the way to a late-night visit to the outdoor dunny. It was common knowledge that Terry’s bladder was a weak one, and while given to knocking over a good red every night, he never poured a drop til he’d finished perfectly coiling the hose. An upturned sprinkler?  It seemed like a strange confluence of circumstances.  Even stranger, Bernie Gloster who led our Div 2 triples and would normally be his replacement, won one of those mystery train trips on the weekend of the finals and pulled out. Funny thing was Bernie couldn’t remember entering the contest. Bernie set off and still hasn’t returned but we can’t check up on him because it was a mystery where he was heading. 

Anyway, Lefty led our triples to a famous victory. The “Easts” leader later claimed somebody had nobbled his glasses and he couldn’t see a thing. At the time we put that down to sour grapes. They’re all Real Estate Agents.  So post the victory, Lefty stands for President and is elected unopposed.  He gives a speech like we’ve never heard before, full of eloquence and cymbals. That’s not a misspelling. Lefty has these wonderful hand-gestures like a Tic-Tac man and every time he gestured, his wife Darlene would slam two cymbals together.  He painted a marvellous picture of our little club on the mouth of the Pabdar Creek one day playing in the big leagues. He told us we could be the next Tweed Heads, he told us we had it in us to be a great Bowlo with a regular Friday disco and he told us that we should and would accept members from anywhere, even the Caravan Park. 

That election night was an eruption of bonhomie and our joy flowed like lava.  Little did we know what we were in for.  The first thing Lefty did was to expand the President’s car space. This crimped the Deputy’s who took the Secretary’s and so on down the line until the last car space vanished. This space as it happened belonged to the Women’s Auxiliary headed by Meg Nosworthy.  Next, Lefty appointed himself sole-selector in every grade. He even drove the ride-on mower.  When Terry Banovic told him he should delegate, he dropped Terry to pairs. Then there was the menu change. Lefty removed the $2 Wednesday lasagne and replaced it with something called a “laksa”, a soup that burned your mouth and your ring out.  What really killed it though was his idea of recruiting from the caravan park. Imagine the shock when everybody rolled up in their whites for pennants to find three whopping bloody caravans on the rinks? 

Lefty had gone too far.  Meg seized her moment and with the support of Terry Banovic and the Women’s Auxiliary toppled Lefty but Lefty vowed to get even. He dropped himself back to Div 3 depriving us of an astute tactician.  Our results have been poor, even the hippies from Widgerup towelled us up and the grumbling grew.  Rumour has it that the sniping has been led by Lefty waging a war to destabilise Meg, literally.  One of her orthotics went missing from her shoes and sent her toppling into the punchbowl on trivia night.  Meg pointed at Lefty. Lefty blamed the Pabdar East Pres, getting back for the glasses caper.  Then somebody spread a rumour that Meg’s prize Ram was a dud.  When somebody sabotaged Meg’s knitting prior to the Easter Show that was it, Meg called for a showdown, she and Lefty would have it out and the LOSER WOULD LEAVE THE CLUB FOR GOOD!  

You’ve never seen anything like it. The promises thrown around if X would vote for Y!  But here’s where Lefty is cunning. We are only three weeks from the pennant finals and if we are to have any chance of retaining the title from the East, we need Lefty back in Division 1. He knows it, Meg knows it, we all know it.

And so the showdown was set, nail-biting is not a strong enough word for it.  Who would triumph? Well just before the vote’s taken, Terry Banovic announces he’s supporting Lefty because Lefty has agreed to let him lead Triples. Lefty will play second.  I’m afraid to say it was then a foregone conclusion because as much as the members might hate Lefty, we have to beat the East.   The amazing thing was that while Marty Jones and a few of the older blokes loyal to Meg said they would now retire, not one of the women’s auxiliary stood by her.   Liz Keogh is going to be the first woman in charge of the grounds committee, which sounds good but means nothing except you have to drive up the ridge late at night to see if rain’s coming.  As for Meg, I believe she’ll be opening a little craft shop.  Oh, and the bloody caravans are still blocking up the rinks!!!


Your cousin.

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