A number of years ago I had the idea of a regular newspaper piece ostensibly correspondence from a country cousin to his city cousin. I enjoyed the pieces as they gave me a chance of gentle satire on what was going on at the time. No newspapers took them up and they have sat on my hardrive since, occasionally being aired at a live reading. Now with this new fangled technology I can post them for your amusement and it doesn’t cost you anything. Hope enjoy them.
NEWS FROM COW PASTURES #1 THE GREENHOUSE EFFECT
Well what a week it’s been at the Crossing. While you lot were shivering in your boots, we were rolling out the kitty under skies bluer than the Cow Crossing Footy-Players’ Concert. 38 degrees in the shade, and the only shade around was under Tom Kitchen’s beer belly. Apparently the weather is all to do with those Dunlop tyre factories in India and whatnot. For some reason they call it Greenhouse Effect. But more on that later.
You’ll recall I’ve told you many times about the way Ced and Rita Lugan have been getting up our noses by flaunting their undeserved wealth. I say undeserved because Ced would have to be the laziest B in the whole district. The amount of time his cattle have given the rest of ours foot and mouth, or tapeworm, or some such thing is gastronomical. It’s a good thing that the pommy Customs inspectors are as slack as Ced, otherwise we never would have been able to dump our beef. Well of course it’s legend now how Ced pulled out that tree stump and revealed the biggest gold-bearing body since Demis Roussos.
The next thing you know they’ve got Lend Lease in here building the new mansion. And I have to say, while it’s a little grandiose, it is quite magnificent. From the front, the place looks exactly like TARA, the Gone With The Wind house. Ced had Ron Tinder, the builder, copy it off a video Ced’s brother sent from Gandalyang. Of course nobody here had a video before, and I think the only reason Ced did it that way was to show off his new video machine. Anyway, from the front it looks like Tara, but as you move down the Western Wing, it becomes an exact replica of the MCG Southern Stand. At the back it becomes Number 96, and down the Eastern Flank it is all rock, but instead of the American presidents, hewn out of this massive slab of granite, is the likeness of Ced, Rita and their dog, A-Team.
Naturally it was Rita who designed the exterior. Ced has no taste whatsoever. In fact, he uses the area under the Great Southern Stand area to park his Haulpaks. But what Rita has done is amazing, if show-offish. You walk into this huge marble area – it’s vast, not a person as far as the eye can see- a bit like that Jap apartment store you took me to in the city that time. Anyway, taking up the entire wall is this huge painting of a group of dogs with pool cues. It’s fan-bloody-tastic. What’s more, every doorknob in the house is an 8-ball. They’ve spared no expense, and of course Rita always was a great pool player.
Anyway, the rest of us have been pissed-off at how Ced’s fallen on his feet, but last month, we got our revenge. The plunge in the gold-price left Ced high and dry. Apparently, even though there’s a shitload of gold down in his paddock, it’s too expensive now to get it out. There’s been talk of him having to sell off the mansion.
Well, the rest of the town had a huge party and plenty of them let Ced and Rita know exactly what they thought of them, right to their faces. But I’ve known Ced for a long time and things have a knack of working out okay for him, so I held my tongue. And a good thing I did. When Ced’s creditors sent this art-expert lady to value the Dogs With Pool Cues ( and it goes to prove what I’ve always said about so-called “experts” because she said it `de-valued the frame!’) she noticed the red daffodils round the back of Ced’s shed and went ape-shit. She’d never seen red daffodils before. Of course, the back of Ced’s shed is where A-Team does his business, and we’ve long known that there was something in that canine’s system that turned yellow, red. Anyway, this woman tells Ced that if he can bag that manure for her, she can sell these red daffodils to the Asian market for a bomb. So, now Ced is back rolling in more money than ever before, all because A-Team’s poop can change the colour of flowers. That’s what I call a greenhouse effect.
I’ll write again in the next week or so, all the best, Your Cousin.