DEREK OF THE YEAR

DEREK OF THE YEAR

Back around 1982 Johhny Ryan (aka Leopard ) and I began doing a bit of comedy with our mates Damien O’Doherty, Cath Jennings, David Zampatti with guest appearances from Caroline McKenzie, Geoff Kelso and Attila Ozdalay.  This was one of the first sketches Johnny and I wrote. The photos are from a season of THE AMAZING TREE PEOPLE at the Old Melbourne Hotel. Damien and I teamed up again in Perth this October at Downstairs His Majesty’s and had a lot of fun.

derek of the year opening gambits 001
DEREK OF THE YEAR OPENKING GAMBIT

 

 

COMPERE
Hello and welcome to the Derek of the Year contest. Our first Derek is a real-estate salesman from Double Bay. Nervous?

DEREK 1
A little but you should have seen me when I had to dance with Kylie at the Logies.

COMPERE
Derek what do you enjoy doing?

DEREK 1
Snowskiing, wine-tasting, paying off my car and relaxing with a good book.

COMPERE
What are you reading at the moment?

DEREK 1
I’m halfway through the instruction manual on my car radio.

COMPERE
I understand a funny thing happened recently.

DEREK 1
Well, you’re never going to believe it but it all started when I got really pissed up at Club Kakadu’s salsa night. Wow my head was spinning but I had to get home to get my ragu with harissa out of the oven when I dropped a cigarette down my half-open Kalvin Klein, glanced at my fuel gauge and realised it was Empty … you can imagine how I felt. Anyway I found a servo, it was self-serve but I was desperate … and what I did, no I can’t tell you you’ll all think I’m a wanker.

COMPERE
No we won’t.

DEREK 1
I put E10 in the tank instead of Premium Unleaded.

COMPERE
BP?

DEREK 1
No. I was RS I wouldn’t have done it otherwise.

COMPERE
Well here’s your opponent. Derek a car-salesman from French’s Forest. Hi Derek.

DEREK 2
Call me Dezza.

COMPERE
Nervous?

DEREK 2
I haven’t been this nervous since I had to bend over in front of Derek 1 to tie a shoelace in the contestant’s waiting room.

COMPERE
I understand a funny thing happened to you recently?

DEREK 2
I wouldn’t call leaping out of a plane and having your chute fail to open, funny.

COMPERE
I didn’t know that happened to you.

DEREK 2
It didn’t but I wouldn’t call it funny.

COMPERE
And now the first part of the contest: DANCING!

They dance.

COMPERE (CONT’D)
Phew I’m worn out and I wasn’t even dancing. Dezza what do you look for most in a woman?

DEREK 2
Personality … brains and personality. I don’t go out with dogs though.

DEREK 1
I go for girls who like a hard bout of lovemaking before relaxing in a jacuzzi with a nice Chardonnay.

COMPERE
Pet Peeves?

DEREK 2
Guys who insist on doing silly little tricks with cigarette packets when we all know they should be up your sleeve out of sight.

DEREK 1
Girls who drink half their time drinking your Chardonnay and the other half peeing it into your jacuzzi.

COMPERE
And pleasures?

DEREK 1
Simple moments: Sunset, the Beach, my French bulldog Rimbaud splashing behind my ankles in the surf.

DEREK 2
For me it’s that first beer when your throat burns like that gravel road you and your trailbike have just conquered.

COMPERE
Now it’s time for combat gentelmen.

A YOUNG WOMAN ENTERS. THE MEN CIRCLE HER.

COMPERE (CONT’D)
Both men sussing their target, circling with suitable aloofness. And what must be going through their minds right now? Does she like music? Is she an outdoors type? Does she fuck?

BOTH
Drink?

GIRL
I’ll have a Vodka and milk please.

d.o.t.y. The Tussle 001
THE TUSSLE

 

 

DEREK 2
I’m surprised I haven’t seen you here before.

GIRL
It’s my first time.

DEREK 1
Same here.
(looks at Derek 2)
I’ve been told the regulars are very boring.

GIRL
My sister comes here all the time.

COMPERE
Costly mistake – one of the perils of going for the man.

DEREK 1
I … don’t know why I said that

COMPERE
Clumsy

DEREK 1
But I haven’t felt myself since one of my polo ponies died this morning.

GIRL
You poor thing. It’s terrible to lose something you love.

COMPERE
Nice recovery.

DEREK 2
I couldn’t help noticing what lovely hands you have. You’re some sort of artist aren’t you?

GIRL
Actually I’m a typist.

DEREK 1
Pianist, typist, there’s no real difference.

DEREK 2
I’ve always had an interest in typing.

GIRL
I don’t like men doing women’s work.

DEREK 2
Call being a war correspondent in Afghanistan “women’s work”.

DEREK 1

What do you like?

GIRL
Drinking 9 or 10 glasses of Chardonnay and then relaxing in a nice warm jacuzzi.

DEREK 1
(aside)
Better top up the chlorine.

GIRL
What was that?

DEREK 1
I said is your sister’s name Maureen?

GIRL
As a matter of fact it is. Do you know her?

DEREK 1
No. I’ve admired her from afar but never had the courage to say hello. I’m just a shy kind of guy I guess. Did you see me in the Club Kakadu wet jocks competition?

GIRL
You don’t seem shy.

DEREK 1
I’m so shy that when I invite a beautiful woman to an expensive restaurant I order separate fondues and then hide in the toilet till she’s finished eating both of them.

GIRL
That is shy. Is there a reason?

DEREK 1
It all started at primary school when I went to our fancy dress party as the front end of a horse.

DEREK 2
So?

DEREK 1
Little Percy Penfold was in the back end … dressed as Pinoccio.

GIRL
Did it leave you scarred?

DEREK 1
Do new tyres leave skidmarks when you drop it back it a cog?

GIRL
You poor thing. With your diseased mind and your polo pony dying this morning.

DEREK 1
And my gold pendant broke and took three hairs from my chest with it.
She falls into his arms to soothe him.

COMPERE
Masterful display. He’s used every trick in the book bar the rehabilitated drug-addict.

Derek 2 falls to his knees thumps the floor and bellows.

DEREK 2
Why me? Why me? Oh God oh God why me?

GIRL
Is anything the matter?

DEREK 2
No. Nothing.

d.o.t.y. Winning Move - Derek sobs about his addiction 001.jpg
DEREK 2’S WINNING MOVE

 

GIRL
Then why are you sobbing and beating your fist rhythmically on the floor?

DEREK 2
Oh I don’t want to burden anyone so beautiful and understanding as you with my sordid past. Go on have fun, I’ll be okay. I’ve nearly licked it …or it’s nearly licked me. Just one more cap of stag and I’ll be flying high, old good time Derek again like I was when I was a green kid starting out in the new car showroom, all innocence and platform soles. They even encouraged me to sit in the cars, said sniffing the upholstery wouldn’t do any harm. And probably they were right.  But when your wife leaves you and your automatic sprinkler system rusts up and some new guy wants to write new car warranties in your blood, it’s then, then you start looking for a way out.

GIRL
What a tragic life. If only there was some way I could help.

DEREK 2
There is. Let’s no beat around the bush … not yet anyway … come back to my place and we’ll talk, just talk, that’s all. Then I’ll drive you home.

GIRL
But I live in Newcastle.

DEREK 2
No probs, I used to be a rally driver before I was a war correspondent.
They leave.

COMPERE
Bad luck Derek.

DEREK 1
Hey, he needed her more than I did. Let’s face it: a true Derek knows no woman can satisfy him the way he can satisfy himself.

 

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