AUSTRALIA'S NOT THAT COOL
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one more song from the complete Dave Warner songbook
I wrote this tune Australia’s Not That Cool around 1985 in Perth but never recorded it nor performed it live. It was a satirical comment on Yuppies and the cult of the import, and how anything Aussie was perceived as sub-par.
It is timely that it was due to be posted this week because it mentions the great Barry Humphries, the finest Australian comedian I have ever seen, and as good a one-person entertainer as anyone anywhere. I’m so disappointed I never got to meet Barry. In the early days of my music I was often cited as a ‘rocknroll Barry Humphries’ because of the emphasis on satire, but while I’m good with words I was eons short of his wit. Still we both ruffled feathers in our own way. He turned up to a party the band was hosting at Claremont’s Bayview Mansions hoping to meet me but I was too late packing up and getting back from the gig and he’d left by the time I arrived. Darn, that would have been a cherished memory.
I’ve just done a quick phone vid to give you an idea of the concept. It’s rougher than an Indian wicket on the first day of a test match. It’s unlisted on You Tube but click here for a listen.
AUSTRALIA’S NOT THAT COOL
Went to a party the other night wearin’ stubbies and thongs
Clutching two brown friends in a paper bag
My hair was reasonably long
I was met at the door by my lawyer host who drew me to his side
Said take the hint for your own good drop the national pride
With Veuve Cliquot replace those beers get Cardin on your hips
The wide-brown land is out this year, importing’s where it’s at
And then a voice came whispering deep inside in my head
It spoke in tongues I understood and this is what it said
Don’t be a square don’t be a fool follow the yuppies’ golden rule
New York’s ace and Europe’s great
Australia’s not that cool.
Ring those bells raise alarms stamp your feet wave your arms
They’re selling off the farm.
I said what about all our national heroes
He said, ‘What heroes where?
Hoges is just a yobbo and Mel Gibson’s just a lair
Barry Humphries isn’t too bad but he really can’t compare
To John Cleese, Rowan Atkinson, Woody Allen, and Cher’
So don’t be a square don’t be a fool follow the yuppies’ golden rule
New York’s ace and Europe’s great
Australia’s not that cool.
I blinked my eyes I pinched my arm went all prickly hot within
Tried to keep both cool and calm
Cause I could see the lunacy in selling off the farm.
France – Moet, Renault Nina Ricci these things give you chic
Beware Le Specs they’re Aussie Perrier is magnifique
Italy – Ferrari and Armani, fettuccini any leather
Germany – Mercedes Porsche BM – W for Weather
Sweden – solid safe dependable Volvo and Husqvarna
Just like Germany it’s reliability that matters
UK – humour arts and crafts U2 Elton Bowie
Dianne Corgies Fergie that brings us back to Moet
Japan – anything electric, Sony Nakamichi
Origami yakitori National
See that sounds quite funny but Japan’s not really rational
That’s the province of the Chinese, yin and yan, philosophies
Walls terracotta pieces … Beaches?
Australia’s are pretty good but not as good as Greece’s
USA – McDonalds Coca Cola Billy Joel F one-eighteens
Porky’s Rambo Rocky Police Academy Fifteen
So don’t be a square don’t be a fool follow the yuppies’ golden rule
New York’s ace and Europe’s great
Australia’s not that cool.