AUSTRALIA'S NOT THAT COOL

one more song from the complete Dave Warner songbook

I wrote this tune Australia’s Not That Cool around 1985 in Perth but never recorded it nor performed it live. It was a satirical comment on Yuppies and the cult of the import, and how anything Aussie was perceived as sub-par.

It is timely that it was due to be posted this week because it mentions the great Barry Humphries, the finest Australian comedian I have ever seen, and as good a one-person entertainer as anyone anywhere. I’m so disappointed I never got to meet Barry. In the early days of my music I was often cited as a ‘rocknroll Barry Humphries’ because of the emphasis on satire, but while I’m good with words I was eons short of his wit. Still we both ruffled feathers in our own way. He turned up to a party the band was hosting at Claremont’s Bayview Mansions hoping to meet me but I was too late packing up and getting back from the gig and he’d left by the time I arrived. Darn, that would have been a cherished memory.

I’ve just done a quick phone vid to give you an idea of the concept. It’s rougher than an Indian wicket on the first day of a test match. It’s unlisted on You Tube but click here for a listen.

AUSTRALIA’S NOT THAT COOL

Went to a party the other night wearin’ stubbies and thongs

Clutching two brown friends in a paper bag

My hair was reasonably long

I was met at the door by my lawyer host who drew me to his side

Said take the hint for your own good drop the national pride

With Veuve Cliquot replace those beers get Cardin on your hips

The wide-brown land is out this year, importing’s where it’s at

And then a voice came whispering deep inside in my head

It spoke in tongues I understood and this is what it said

Don’t be a square don’t be a fool follow the yuppies’ golden rule

New York’s ace and Europe’s great

Australia’s not that cool.

Ring those bells raise alarms stamp your feet wave your arms

They’re selling off the farm.

I said what about all our national heroes

He said, ‘What heroes where?

Hoges is just a yobbo and Mel Gibson’s just a lair

Barry Humphries isn’t too bad but he really can’t compare

To John Cleese, Rowan Atkinson, Woody Allen, and Cher’

So don’t be a square don’t be a fool follow the yuppies’ golden rule

New York’s ace and Europe’s great

Australia’s not that cool.

I blinked my eyes I pinched my arm went all prickly hot within

Tried to keep both cool and calm

Cause I could see the lunacy in selling off the farm.

France – Moet, Renault Nina Ricci these things give you chic

Beware Le Specs they’re Aussie Perrier is magnifique

Italy – Ferrari and Armani, fettuccini any leather

Germany – Mercedes Porsche BM – W for Weather

Sweden – solid safe dependable Volvo and Husqvarna

Just like Germany it’s reliability that matters

UK – humour arts and crafts U2 Elton Bowie

Dianne Corgies Fergie that brings us back to Moet

Japan – anything electric, Sony Nakamichi

Origami yakitori National

See that sounds quite funny but Japan’s not really rational

That’s the province of the Chinese, yin and yan, philosophies

Walls terracotta pieces … Beaches?

Australia’s are pretty good but not as good as Greece’s

USA – McDonalds Coca Cola Billy Joel F one-eighteens

Porky’s Rambo Rocky Police Academy Fifteen

So don’t be a square don’t be a fool follow the yuppies’ golden rule

New York’s ace and Europe’s great

Australia’s not that cool.