DAVE'S SPORTS POEMS

SPORT lends itself to tongue-in-cheek humour and back in the 90s when I was thinking of doing some more live shows I knocked up a few poems. Here they are for you - AFL, Cricket, Footy. 

( listen and view here https://youtu.be/H4gBC7TppI0 )

WHERE KARL PARKED THE PANZA is a fun poem I wrote about West Coast players in their power years of the 90s.

Shit fellas we're gonna be in trouble

We'll never make it to the ground

Malty's gonna blow his bubble

They should never have brought us a day early to this city

There's too many bars and the chicks are too pretty

And if we don't make the bounce down

Mick's gonna be real shitty

Let's retrace our steps:

Mainy was at the bar, Lewey was in the loo, Amigo was in the corner and Summa was in a blue... Datsun.

As far as I recall Brett was with the dancer

Can't anybody remember where Karl parked the panza?

 It was right after we met those sheilas from the Philippines

Which reminds me Cap you owe me for eighteen midis and two wines and Willo you owe me for a family size pizza,

I don't care if you didn't eat it, it was your decision to smear it over the strip-teasers

When Mick gets hold of us I tell you I'd rather have cancer

Can't anybody remember where Karl parked the panza?

That's right we drove up to the eighteenth floor of the Hyatt 

We put it in the spa with the hosties from Ansett

After that my mind goes blank all I can remember is having a … think tank with Dennis Cometti before Monkey chucked him nude in the spaghetti,

Then we drove it back down crushed two Mercs and a Lancer,

Can't any of you pricks remember where Karl parked the panza?

 Oh stuff it, we'll have to catch a train,

Which means by the time we make the ground it'll be the last quarter,

There're only five blokes not here, it'll be a slaughter,

There's no way the Swans will match those five blokes of ours,

If we  time it right we might  make  the  showers, maybe nobody'll notice anyway?   Mike Willessee's turning on some after-match extravaganza,

Yea let's stay here and drink some wallop, who gives a rats where Karl parked the panza.

WA keeper and batsman TIM ZOEHRER was a hugely talented cricketer - and pretty good East Fremantle footballer too but Ian Healy was preferred for Australia. Healy of course, was a very good keeper and reliable batsman and played very well for the baggy greens but Zoehrer was a very special player. Maybe not in the class of Gilly but who is? It must have been frustrating for TZ and I wrote this poem.

Our spinners bowl wider our quickies bowl shorter

Our slips stand much more deep than they oughta

Our byes are much greater our batsmen score slower

And overall our firstX1’s cricket is poorer

Than if it contained Timmy Zoehrer

 Ian Healey’s not bad, he’s gutsy and plucky

But most of all he’s exceptionally lucky

Maybe he holds his liquor better than his catches?

I wouldn’t know if Tim’s a brawler, boozer or whorer

But there’s gotta be some reason why they prefer Healy

To Zoehrer

 Tim’s got great shots, Healy’s a plodder

Off-stump fast-bowler cannon fodder

Time and again he falls for that unrefined scoop

Whereas Tim’s got the grace and he’s just that much surer

But inevitably the selectors omit the name of Tim Zoehrer

 In every department Tim’s so much better

But come the tests you know who’ll get the green and gold sweater

To force his way in Tim should go to a deed poll

And change his name from Zoehrer to Waugh

Then even if he never troubled the scorer

He’d get the baggy green cap would Tim Zoehrer.

THE GREAT WHITE SHARK 

Great White Shark means big loud hype

“SHARK CHOKES AGAIN” in big bold type

The swing is flawed the grip’s askew

The old coach knows just what to do

The outward nine is looking good

Shark’s got control of iron and wood

As birdie chases eagle – “Duck!!!”

The booming Shark has run amok

Half-way home in 30 neat

He’s Hogan, Nicklaus, complete

By 12 a course record seems a formality

And then, almost as if the Shark seeks to prove his mortality

Three-put pulls him back to par

On 13 he drives too far

Recovers well down in five

Record still is much alive

Till 14.

Entirely missing the green.

Hungry crow, passing ball,

Bogey three begins to stall

Meanwhile on the 18^th – four

Some no name aces, big crowd roars

15^th Shark, no frills, steady

A humble par, Shark winks to caddy

No heroics, keep this up

Yet big white hands will hold the cup

16^th slices into copse

At clubhouse, no-name smells hope

Radar like shark’s ball finds bunker

Shark alarm in grip of canker

Gone is smile, chatter, swagger

Word goes out “Shark’s got the staggers”

Down in six, still lead of two

Over clubhouse no-name ingénue.

17 does nothing wrong

But breeze suddenly blows strong

Misses ten foot, margin’s one

Hospitality tents all dumb

18^th drive is true and straight

Approach good and chip is great

But as Shark strikes three metre

Flash-bulb pops distract the leader

Merest jerk as club smacks ball

Looking good on way to hole

Then dipping right, touching lip

It rims it rims but doesn’t tip

So to play-off, sudden death

Great White Shark v No-Name X

Shark hits first straight as a die

No Name responds with same reply

Shark approaches arc is true

Five metre put all left to do

No Name hooks ninety degrees

Ricochets from trunk of tree

To green and starts to roll…and roll…and roll

Till next thing No Name’s in the hole

Crowd erupts No Name is cheered

Pointer’s caddy holds back tear

Shark laments what got away

Knows full well what papers say

Great White Shark means big loud hype

“SHARK CHOKES AGAIN” in big bold type.